rockstar ronan who is mr sparkly eyes

I love you to the moon and back, baby doll. Thanks to all of the amazing people you are just throwing my way, thanks to this blog, and thanks to the most kind hearted, generous people in the world, I now have a new home. But more importantly, our kids deserve more funds from our government. We were invited to a lunch that at a house that lasted much of the day. I just want to sit and cry, so I do. Oh, theres perfect infant Ronan. The ones in life that make you think about things from every different angle and dont want you just to take the easy way out. I will fight on, not because I am strong but because I wont fail you or let you down. A cold, beachy destination seems to be much more fitting. I did see my life flash before my very eyes a couple of days ago when I found myself in bed, on my 6th Cadbury Cream Egg, and watching The Kardashians. I had a moment of sheer panic wash over me as I thought to myself, Who am I?? My internal clock has been waking me up at about 2 a.m. for months now. But the most important thing is he is someone who loved you so much, Ronan. I truly think you thought you were just going to go to sleep and wake up once again, after we got you all better. on There Are 2 Things in Life I Will Never Say No To. You always make sure of this. I often feel like after you died, we should have just up and moved to freaking Australia or somewhere crazy. We are truly grateful to have him on our side. Thank you, V and K. For being so kind and generous today. Having Quinn home makes me do things around here which you know Im not a fan of. You are going to make the best grand poppy ever. Tell me your dream for all of this. So I blabbed all about our Neuroblastoma Research and Care Center. The sweet lady told me it was. Ronan. No words last night could have saved me. My list will include the things that are truly important such as the health of your brothers, this Poppy baby, your daddy, our loved ones and for all the people who have been touched by your story and who are helping keep you alive in a way. Maya! Im just sorry it fucking has to be this way. This totally brings tears to my eyes because I know he did this for you, and how proud you are of him. He was so tiny and frail. I miss you so much, Ro. Rise and ShineInsomnia! Ronan, do you want to know the one question I get asked, all the time? This is all for tonight, little man. Ronan. How I miss the simple days of chasing you around. Those are not problems. It wont be the real name for the baby. Thankful for the opportunity to continue talking about Ronan, Taylor, childhood cancer, and the horrifically hard world of bereavedparents. I picked up Starbucks. Oh, Ive also been taking the best care ever of your Poppy sister 24/7. I had been going back and forth with your Sparkly on some things. You know what I told him today? I ended up throwing up in the bathroom. Mothers Day is hard enough now, butthe fact thatit falls on what should have been your 6th birthday is just beyond anything I am capable of handling. Fo shizzle. Its early in the day around 5 a.m. I remember the 6 month mark being a really hard time for me. This extreme fatigue and nausea, are mentally beating me down. Its been a long and busy day. I often give her crap about this. Im so sad and I cant stop crying. Im telling you, its all I can seem to do lately. (still sick and maybe a little depressed) He put his keys on our dresser, just like he always does, right in front of your urn. My heart started pounding. "My darling. I love that. After the Lacrosse game, we all went to lunch. We went out to dinner tonight to one of our favorite restaurants, Tarbells. You were supposed to be with me, for the rest of MY life. We will spend some time with our Fairy RoMo which is the thing I am most excited about. I am not playing by the fluffy rules. I NEVER get to make him smile with happy news, because all the news I sit and share with him is usually so fucking sad or me venting. This is all for tonight my most beautiful boy. I set it out for Stacy to pick up to give to Fernanda to let her work her magic. They may have gently slapped me here and there, but they didnt talk ill or abandon me or whisper behind my back. I swear I stare at it all day long. Im tired tonight, Ronan. I went to the Pearl Jam concert a few nights ago with your daddy, Uncle Jay, and Char. I set up a little shrine in your room to sit and do my phone call in. It destroys me everyday that we now have to physically be apart and I cant take care of you, look after you, or keep you safe. Running on the beach. He was proud of the advice he gave me that I listened to. I kind of crawled over to him and gave him a big hug. My phone rang. So far, so good. Cancer was everywhere in your body, but you didnt act like it. Thats how its been this past week. Such a little skeptic he is. Ive noticed myself starting to have a really hard lately. No matter how frustrated or sad I get because I know at the end of the day, youre not coming back. As in really hard. A heavy wave of sadness washed over me. I know how stubborn you are and I know how you wont let ANYONE take care of you., me: I hate that you know me so well. I am doing all I can on this end, to help spread the awareness. This baby girl, is going to have so many beautiful aunties. Her secret is not something you can get at med school. Lights out for the next 7 hours. You know how I hate our little frienemy. Im tired. I had my hand on my keyboard to skip it, but I told myself that today, I would listen to it. It didnt. Im afraid this is the best it is going to get. I no longer love the luxury of not having things to do. I dont know why you continue to do things like this. I still feel like I have post traumatic stress syndrome over the things we went through. Every single lyric, makes me lose it. I hope you are safe. Im doing this for Ronan and Teddy because that is all that matters. She has a ton of hair already. Basketball, Baseball, and Flag Football. I miss you. Nothing out of the ordinary happened, but before I knew it, I was sobbing so hard it was all I could do to make it to my car before my tears formed puddles at my feet and I just slowly drowned. I cannot believe how truly hard you are working, Ronan. You would be so proud of the way they are killing it on the court. I peeked through our kitchen window from the outside of our house before going in. Ive been hiking like crazy, with Poppy in tow of course. Not one second. They cant. Do not let anything take him away. You know that speaks volumes in my book. So, lets keep watching and learning more Ronan. Goodnight baby doll. They asked if I would be up for doing Skype interviews with them, pretty frequently. . I feel like I am back there again. Your Sparkly just looked at me and said, No matter what this is, my book is already written. I used to love my meat, but now I think I know how she feels. I dont think this is normal. Ronans dead. Now, going back to try to read that book is like a sick joke. Thats all for now little man. I have yet to find a good book about what it is like to have a baby, after going through something as traumatic as losing a child to cancer. I need to get in some hours working on this book. Gnite. Swallow pill. Its been a few days since Ive really cried and I guess Ive been holding a lot in by distracting myself and being so busy. New York was a good trip. She of course made a ninja plan to help me tomorrow, go and find it. Its because when I first found out I was pregnant, it was the size of a poppy seed. I can do a city, all alone, and badass, any other month, but not this month. They taped the dollar to the letter and said they were giving it to me. Then perfect your baby has cancer, Ronan but we cant fix him. I would give anything to have you here to cuddle up to because I cant sleep. I am a wealth of knowledge in all things raccoon now. Nothing is worth this pain. I said, Sure! Of course you know I am so impatient when it comes to all things being pregnant. You should not be sitting there. The thought of this made me laugh due to Dr. Jo. I am thankful for the friends that are like family who will help us get through the day. Pillow case soaked. I hope you are safe. I choose to live in it. I have to trust in you that your Poppy sister is going to be alright. Now Im crying every single day, sometimes every single hour. I then just said to Macy, Im not doing this for myself. I really wanted a girl. He had read my last blog post about how barbaric the cancer world is. For those of you who have been trying to order some things on our Big Cartel site, I SO apologize. I know myself well enough to know when I am not capable of handling things on my own. So much. Your daddy hung a big beautiful picture of you over your bed last night. Your brothers have a basketball game tomorrow. That destroys me. I hid my tears from everyone, as not to upset your brothers. The 7th floor jumping out of our hotel window, to splatter on the streets below, did not seem like a better option. Not really. I am angry and sad in a way that I havent been in a while and there is nothing that can make this pain go away or better. I honestly do. So we would be doing all different things. Just when I have been struggling on a little side project the past few days. She obviously gets those from your daddy. But oh, how much fun would a little baby girl be. I am a good mother. Yes. I know I used the word unfair through my tears. Alright little man. I will see you tomorrow.. I miss you. I woke up this morning, all bright-eyed and bushy-tailed. Ummmm ouch!!! I know you will. Having my own space without your little empty bedroom 10 feet away from where I am working is going to save me. I was wrong. We have had those picked out for a long time. Your daddy keeps telling me that Im wiped out due to growing a home for your baby brother or sister. But I laugh anyway. Its amazing the way she seemsto beworking her little magic on all of us. Then perfect your baby has cancer Ronan, but we will fix him. I truly expected more from you. There is no way I can even fathom the thought of taking down your things and packing them away. I have a bunch of families that I will be thinking of, not just our own. I hate the month of May. I find myself obsessing about your safety, your happiness, your sadness and who is taking care of you when it should beclearly be me. Sometimes I pretend like I am watching a movie or reading a book of a stranger who is living the life that I am living. Dude. You were just so happy being home with all of us. Ronan. I told them I would look into it once we returned home from our trip. I hope you are safe. You know how important it is to me, not to spend the money that people are donating on administration stuff. Nobody knows that. I'm landing close to midnight. May 9th. She could not believe it. They offered to buy a new one. He deserved better. Ronan. It saw some of the most concentrated and bloodiest fights at the first world war . Me: Ill bet nothing bad ever happens here., Your daddy: That is not true. Avoiding my reality once in a while helps me get through the days that I just cant take living this life without you anymore. I talked to your Sparkly the other day. I will forever go on searching for you in this messed up world full of things that dont make sense. I ended up waking up, and having a mini freak out session/panic attack which caused me to slam two Ambien and send some insane text messages to your Mr. Sparkly Eyes. Thank you again, Ro baby. In a conference room full of people, alligator tears were uncontrollable. We sat outside of her office and I told her some things that I dont share with just anyone. We had such an amazing turn out and I felt like I was floating in a sea of purple the entire day. I decide to start today with, enough is enough. It wouldnt have been this way, if you were still here. The entire tree is going to be blue and white. How much you wanted a baby sister. Thank you to all of you who are running for Ronan and who have raised so much money for us. Walking in with it was easy. I dont even want fucking justice. Mostly my day was filled with my tears that seemed never-ending. Dear lovely little blog readers. . Pregnancy. She told me she was sorry about you. She has a son that she is absolutely insanely in love with and she completely gets the bond that I have with you. THANK YOU. Because it is simply not true. He is doing such a good job, of watching over me for you. Mission accomplished without having a breakdown. Not the other way around. Do you think there will ever come a time when Christmas lights wont be blurry from mytears? We are almost totally off caffeine) It is the most beautiful building and it even has a basketball court which your brothers are so excited for! The picture came on the screen. I leave soon. If that wasnt enough to make me cry, the next thing was. I miss you. The screaming wont stop now. The problem Im facing is I may have too much material, and too much to say. Sooooooo New York!!! I wont ever love the month of May again. She is so lucky to have you. He responded back with a simple, I will. I said, I know. I miss you. Its my pretend world and I can live in it if I want to. Im used to being the energizer bunny. I know Ive been quiet. I know what needs to be done. Through my flood of tears I sent your Sparkly a text, Can you please get Ronans costume for me. There was complete devastation. Mr. Sparkly Eyes called. We shared some fruit and nuts. Please rest. Now if I can only get those brothers of yours on Team Poppy. 1 comment. You know how I am about just letting things, happen when they are supposed to. I cant go home to an empty house. Insert sobbing so uncontrollably that I couldnt even finish my sentence, here, Me: Im sorry. Something these families and kids so deserve when going through something like this. She asked if I remembered your service and how difficult it was. They fill me with things like anger that I never knew existed. I was on a mission to grab some things for our very empty refrigerator. A productive trip. I know you all worry when I am quiet, but I promise I am o.k. Let the evil secret cancer plans to take over the world, begin. They didnt judge me. You are so right. I dont think Ive ever seen a raccoon in Arizona before. I honestly still cannot believe you are gone and that I dont get to chase you around anymore. They seem to be growing by the day and that makes me so proud. You know I will always say yes to New York. Every year since you left when Mr. Sparkly Eyes' birthday rolls around, I always give him a card that I've made for him through my iPhoto with a picture of you on it. on Not a life full of beauty but one full of beautiful momentsinstead, on From what I can see here, it looks like you are having a baby. Ill just stick with pie for now.

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